I never thought I would write a blog like this. If you know a bit about me, you probably already know that I have several chronic illnesses and a few mental disorders as well. One little tidbit I deal with is having an impaired immune system.
I walk through a crowd of people and catch a virus. If someone at work is sick, I will most likely catch it. The preventive measures the CDC recommends for COVID-19 were already in place for me before minus the mask. I avoided touching my face or bringing my hand close to my face if I hadn’t washed my hands. I wash my hands for at least 20 seconds thoroughly including underneath my fingernails and in between my fingers. I load up on immune-boosting vitamins. Even with all this, it’s still pretty easy for me to get sick.
In comes COVID-19, an invisible threat sweeping through the nation. One that can make a person who has it infectious before they even develop symptoms. I don’t need to tell you this because you already know it. We’ve been living it and we’re still living it. In this blog, I want to share my experience as a person with an impaired immune system living through this pandemic.
Growing Anxiety During Covid-19
At first, I didn’t feel anxious. Maybe because I live in a fairly small town where the virus wasn’t as big a threat as it is with bigger cities. I was still extremely cautious and didn’t go out very often. But there’s still grocery shopping to do, medications to pick up, and general errands to run. Mostly everyone was wearing a mask and mostly everyone was distancing themselves.
The anxiety first hit me when I couldn’t find the normal immune-boosting vitamins I take along with a staple in my household – sanitizing wipes. I keep my house very sanitized to help prevent me from getting sick. Suddenly, all these items were gone for over a month or so. I was definitely a little anxious but hoped that since I was staying at home most of the time, I’d be okay. That was pretty much all the anxiety I experienced at the time (not including work which is an entirely different story). I was astonished by how many people were taking care of themselves and others. I felt protected by my community and, while I had anxiety, it wasn’t too great.
Then our governor decided to open the city and all of a sudden I saw fewer and fewer masks used. People would stand extremely close to me in line at stores. I found myself actively avoiding people, trying to maintain at least a 6-foot distance. Going grocery shopping turned into an Olympic sport as I maneuvered around people with less grace than I would’ve liked. In fact, at a grocery store, an employee stood in line behind me about a foot away. This is too close even without social distancing in place, people! Boundaries!
At this time, the fear became extremely real for me. It hit me hard that I had to rely on other people to help protect my health and they had to rely on me to help protect their health. And that’s when I became frightened.
Losing Hope During the Pandemic
It’s a weird time we live in and yet, when I leave my house, things look pretty much the same. The only exception is that a small percentage of people are wearing masks. It frightens me to leave watching people meander around, not wearing masks, not social distancing. It frightens me because I know that I’m in danger due to their choices. If I go out, I’m acutely aware of how careful I need to be. And while I try not to go out, staying at home all the time isn’t always an option.
I’ve read Facebook posts from people saying how “it’s just like the flu” and “it’s not that serious” and “I don’t care if I get sick.” The problem with this kind of thinking is it ignores those of us who would greatly suffer from the flu, who know that COVID-19 is serious, and who do care if they get sick. A common cold can take me about a month to get over. Even then I have to remain vigilant to ensure I don’t catch any other infections during that time. So COVID-19 scares me because I have no idea how my immune system would react to it, but I can guarantee it won’t be good.
COVID-19 Separates Us, But We’re Not Alone
I know I’m not alone out there. I know there are many just like me who are struggling with immune issues and are frightened during this time. I know there are many just like me who are losing faith in their fellow humans. All those mushy feelings I felt before thinking that the community cared for those of us who have compromised immune systems vanished.
I’m still losing faith in humanity. I became negative toward people, ready to snap at any second. They didn’t care about me or my fellow impaired immune system pals. Of course, I recognized that I was falling into this negative thought pattern, but I couldn’t figure out how to stop it. I couldn’t figure out how to justify or empathize with those who chose not to wear masks or who chose to not follow social distancing.
I wondered if perhaps I was being unreasonable and maybe to some extent I am. But here’s the thing, an estimated 10 million have a compromised immune system. This is over 3% of the population and this is just an estimate. Shouldn’t we protect those 10 million or more people who are at serious risk?
We also have social conventions in place to protect one another. You sneeze or cough into your sleeve to not spread germs. Is it more inconvenient to stand six feet behind someone in line than it is to cover your mouth when you sneeze? I understand that covering your mouth may be a reflex whereas you have to be mindful of distance. But covering your mouth wasn’t always a reflex. It was learned. Can we not do the same thing for our fellow humans now?
Let’s Band Together to Get Through COVID-19
Once COVID-19 is in the past, many of us will need to heal. Don’t get me wrong. I was never a huge optimist when it came to people and their actions, but I was always hopeful. However, that hope has been diminishing as I witness and experience people ignoring CDC guidelines. Those of us with impaired immune systems who have been hiding in fear during COVID-19, who have gone at as sparingly as possible, and who have pinched pennies to get groceries delivered rather than risk going out, we have quite the road ahead of us.
As a person who is chronically ill, I did feel cared for by my community at first, but after the government lifted their mandates and people chose to ignore the needs of the community, those positive feelings came crashing down. Now I’m left with a rage that won’t be quelled.
So I leave this blog on this note. To my fellow humans who have followed the CDC guidelines to protect yourself, your family, and others, thank you. You are the ones to keep my hope shining. You are the ones I think of with appreciation and gratitude when I feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts. To my fellow humans out there who lost faith, who feel uncared for, and who fear this virus knowing it’s a real threat to their health, you’re not alone. I hear you and I’m raging with you.
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