I should get this done today. He shouldn’t have done that. They should do things this way.
Do these sentences sound familiar? They’re common sentences that you may hear frequently. The word “should” along with the word “must” and “ought” are a big part of both our inner dialogue and outer dialogue. However, these words can greatly affect our mental health, our relationships, and bring us down when we may not even realize it. Words are extremely powerful and can affect us in many different ways. So in this blog, I’m going to be talking about how the word should, must, and ought, can bring us down.
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes things do need to get done and sometimes things should get done. I’m not recommending that we completely cut these words out entirely from our lives. Some people may like using the word should because it helps to motivate them. For others, it can create a trap of expectations. However, by continually saying the words should, ought, and must, we may begin to feel worn out.
Learning About Our Inner Dialogue
First, let’s talk about what an inner dialogue is. We all have an inner voice and while some of us may have an extremely chatty inner voice, others may have a rather quiet inner voice. Regardless, most of us aren’t always aware of what our inner dialogue is saying to us. We’re accustomed to it talking to us and listening that we may not even register what exactly it’s saying.
With our inner dialogue, we can lift ourselves up and bring ourselves down. We can help motivate ourselves or we can slouch into a lack of motivation. Our inner dialogue is powerful and the good news is that we have control over it.
However, since most of us aren’t exactly mindful of our inner dialogue, it often runs unchecked. By listening to your inner dialogue, you may hear yourself continually say sentences that include the words should, must, or ought. Along with some other interesting things here and there.
How the Word “Should” Affects Our Mental Health
You wouldn’t think that a single word could affect us so much. But you’d be surprised by how much the word “should” can bring us down. The word “should” can often make us feel trapped, guilty, ashamed, and unmotivated. For example, our inner dialogue saying “I shouldn’t have done that” can create a lot of guilt and shame. Saying “I should get this done”, may cause us to feel trapped and stressed.
As I said before, it’s not just the word “should”. The words “ought” and “must” can also bring us down. For example, if you tell yourself “I must do this well”, you’re not giving yourself any wiggle room for flaws. The word must is absolute. I must not be very smart. I must deal with this situation. Even if the statement is true, you may be causing yourself unnecessary stress by putting such an absolute necessity or truth onto that action or that thought.
The word ought, is very similar to should and must. It can even be replaced by the word need. For example, saying I ought to do this or I need to do this can cause the same feeling of being trapped into what is required of you or what you believe is required of you.
How the Word “Should” Can Affect Our Relationships
This is particularly interesting because many people don’t realize that their inner dialogue is affecting their relationships. However, we all have expectations of other people and we all may feel attacked, let down, or hurt if one of those expectations isn’t met. This is where the words should, ought, must, or need can affect our relationships.
If you’re angry at a friend or a loved one and you’re telling yourself they shouldn’t have done that. This once again creates an absolute where the person is wrong even though it may just be your perception. By continually telling yourself that someone should do this or shouldn’t have done that, you’re creating these expectations and you may find that you’re let down frequently because of it.
Not only that but by having this inner dialogue regarding another person, you may find that the other person may become resentful of your expectations. Expectations are such a tricky thing because we have so many of them we may not even be aware of until someone doesn’t meet one of our expectations.
Using the word must can be even more damaging because once again, it allows no wiggle room for mistakes. By telling someone or believing that someone must do something or act a certain way, you may be setting that person up to fail in your own mind. People have flaws and they will make mistakes. It’s important to allow people to make these mistakes and learn from them.
As an example, I’ve had two people in my life who had quite a rough patch. Each of them believed that the other should or must do something in order to make the situation better. However, neither were living up to the others’ expectations which only caused them to drift apart and be angrier and angrier at one another.
How to Change Our Inner Dialogue to Enhance Our Mental Well-Being
Changing our inner dialogue first starts with us becoming aware of our inner dialogue. I recommend having a little notebook or a note app such as Google Keep, and marking down anytime you hear yourself or your inner dialogue say the words should, must, or ought.
I recommend doing this for 2 to 3 days. Mostly because that first day may be difficult to train yourself to become aware of your inner dialogue. The more you practice at it, the more aware you become of it. You may be surprised to find out how often you’re telling yourself what you should be doing or what someone else should be doing.
Simply changing “should” to “I would like to” makes all the difference. By saying you want to do something regardless of the reason you want to do it, it can encourage motivation and help you feel more in control of your actions and your thoughts.
Ways to Change Your Inner Dialogue About Yourself
Here you can find ways to alter your inner dialogue to more positive thoughts.
- Instead of saying I should get this done, replace it with I would like to get this done.
- Rather than say I shouldn’t have done that, replace it with I wish I hadn’t done that or I don’t like that I did that.
- Instead of telling yourself that you should be stronger or you should be smarter or you should be something different, tell yourself that you would like to be those things.
Start with these minor thought changes and see how your perception, motivation, and positivity follow.
Ways to Change Your Inner Dialogue About Others
As I said before, you don’t need to cut these words out of your life completely. However, look at how often you’re saying them to yourself about yourself or others and decide which ones may be holding you back or affecting your relationships and which ones may be helping you. I don’t believe there’s a problem with having expectations of other people. However, sometimes we need to look at what our expectations are and see if they’re hurting our relationships.
Once again, the first place we can start is by checking your inner dialogue. What are you saying about your loved one that may be creating negativity in your relationship? Examine your expectations and separate your perception of what the other person should do with reality. Below are some examples.
- Instead of saying He should do this, replace it with I would like him to do this.
- Rather than say She must know this upsets me, replace it with I want her to know this upsets me.
- Instead of saying They should understand where I’m coming from, replace it with I want them to understand where I’m coming from.
These small changes in our inner dialogue can create a world of difference in our relationships. It allows us to recognize what we want which we can then communicate to others. It also separates reality from our expectations and wants.
You’ll find that just by changing your inner dialogue, you’ll begin to feel more positive about yourself and your relationships and you’ll see an improvement in your mental well-being.