Just the word expectations makes me cringe. We all have expectations and sometimes these expectations hold us back and sometimes they propel us forward. Nevertheless, my social anxiety stems from what other people expect from me. I discussed this briefly in another blog, but I’d like to discuss it in more detail here.
Everyone has expectations of their fellow human beings. Those expectations seem to increase the more we care about the person. Some people have more expectations than others. Regardless, we all have them. It’s up to us to handle our own expectations and find the right balance. It is so much easier said than done. In this blog, I want to talk about the good and the bad with expectations along with how to break free from other people’s expectations and how to handle your own.
The Good in Expectations
Even if the word freaks me out just a little bit, I can’t deny that there’s good in expectations. Expectations challenge us to be the best person we could possibly be. We often want to meet the expectations of loved ones and so we challenge ourselves. This isn’t a bad thing although it can become toxic depending on the situation. However, when a parent expects their child to take responsibility and clean up after themselves, this is a useful expectation that will help the child to become a tidier and more responsible person.
In any relationship, expectations can help bring friends closer together. A few years ago, I became really busy juggling planning my wedding while going to school and let my friendship sort of fall by the wayside. One of my friends reached out to me telling me that it wasn’t cool and she expected more from her friends. She’d helped me to realize that I always need to make time for people I care about in my life. Without my friend telling me what she expected of me, I could have potentially lost friendships without realizing it.
The Bad in Expectations
I’m a little biased so I could make this list incredibly long but I won’t because I am the bigger person. Expectations, especially in large quantities, can be really overwhelming. Sometimes parents may expect too much from their children which can cause anxiety in the kids. There’s also a chance that a person may believe that if they don’t meet another’s expectations, they’ll no longer receive love from that person. In this case, expectations and perceptions can be toxic.
Expectations and judgments seem to walk hand-in-hand and I believe it’s on us to make sure the ones we love in our lives feel loved. It’s our responsibility to make sure our expectations don’t squander another. As I said before, expectations can help us be the best person we can be.
How to Break Free From Expectations
This is something I practice today due to the fact that my social anxiety is linked to people’s expectations. Personally, I often feel crippled wondering what another person’s expectations of me are and if I’m fulfilling them. It’s toxic and greatly affects my enjoyment of social situations which is why I try my best to break free from other people’s expectations. Here are a couple of things I do that help me out.
Others’ Expectations Are Their Own Problem
First and foremost, I tell myself that even if I don’t fit their expectation, it doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t love me or doesn’t like me. I had a lot of trouble accepting this. When I would meet friends of friends, I was always extremely nervous thinking that if I didn’t meet my friend’s friend’s expectations as a decent person, I could potentially lose my friend.
In the end, I have to remember that the people who love me are staying with me through thick and. I may let them down sometimes, but it doesn’t change a solid relationship.
It’s also important to remember that if someone expects something from you, it’s their problem. If someone expects you to act a certain way or say a certain thing, it’s not on you to please them. Of course, there are times when we want to meet someone’s expectations because we care about that person, but not at the extent of changing ourselves in a way we don’t want to.
Remind Yourself Why You’re Awesome
At parties, I really feel the tug of expectations. Do people expect me to drink? Will they think I’m a weirdo for not drinking? Will they expect me to stay for a certain amount of time? Will they expect me to try all the food that’s here? Etc etc. Believe you me, that list can go on forever.
During these times, a simple reminder that I like who I am works wonders. My friends and family care about me for me and that’s what really matters. Even if someone thinks I’m lame because I left the party early or thinks I’m a party pooper because I’m not drinking, it doesn’t change who I am. And in the end, I don’t really want to care about that person’s opinion.
Dealing with Your Own Expectations
This is a toughie. Our own expectations can help us be better and can also hold us back. We can expect so much from ourselves and berate ourselves so easily for not fitting in with our own expectations. For this particular problem, I recommend being kind to yourself, being flexible with yourself, and being forgiving of yourself. I need to remind myself to do this all the time. I don’t always feel kind or patient or forgiving of myself. My own expectations of myself can really weigh me down. But when I remind myself to be flexible and kind, I feel softer and more empowered.
It’s also important to remember to cut people slack. Some of us have extremely high expectations of others and, in the end, we could be pushing potential friends and lovers away. I believe it’s important to ask ourselves which expectations of others are worth it and which ones aren’t. Which ones are deal-breakers and which ones aren’t?
Whether it’s other people’s expectations or my own, they can certainly be overwhelming. Sometimes I need to remind myself why expectations can be a good thing. As long as we remember when expectations become toxic and how to combat that toxicity, expectations will stay under control and our mental well being will thank us.
Do you feel way down by others’ expectations of you? What way do you like to handle it?