People disagree. This is just a fact of life that we all handle from time to time. Whether it’s family, coworkers, friends, partners, or even acquaintances, disagreements can cause conflict. While tensions rise, emotions can as well and conflict can end up hurting or even helping a relationship. In this blog, I’m going to discuss conflict as well as how to respond to conflict.
Insight into Conflict
In a nutshell, conflict is a disagreement over just about anything from intentions to motivations to feelings to beliefs and more. Not every disagreement can turn into a conflict. However, it will usually turn into a conflict when a strong feeling is triggered and there is usually a perceived threat. This is an important comment because conflicts are entirely based on perceptions. We’ll be looking into this a little bit later.
While some people may just jump into a conflict ready for a fight, others may choose to sweep their feelings under a rug in hopes to avoid conflict. However, since a conflict is a perceived threat it usually will stick with us until we resolve the issue. It’s better to approach the problem head on with an attitude of compassion and respect.
The good thing about conflicts is that if handled well, it can build trust and security in a relationship. With compromise and a respectful discussion of each other’s thoughts and feelings, it helps two people to grow closer together.
How to Respond to Conflict
When conflict first arises, it can be difficult to see past our own perceptions and defenses. Sometimes we may want to lash out and say things we don’t mean. Sometimes we want to defend ourselves by pointing out other people’s flaws. While we probably have all done this at one point or another, I think we can safely say that the conflict was not handled well. So let’s take a look at some tips on the best ways to respond to conflict.
Understand Your Feelings
The very first step in handling a conflict is understanding your own feelings. Without a grasp on your feelings, it can often cause a conflict to escalate into a full-blown argument. Take a moment to recognize when the conflict arose and look into why you feel the way you feel. Did the person do or say something that upset you? Why did it upset you?
Another aspect to explore is determining what is perception and what is fact. When strong emotions are involved, they can often sweep us away and it can be difficult to figure out what is fact and what is perception. However, in order to resolve conflict, it’s an important boundary to know. Look at the situation and differentiate what is your perception of the situation and what are the facts of the situation.
Remain Respectful During the Discussion
This is an excellent time to practice mindful listening. During conflicts we can get wrapped up in our own thoughts and emotions that it makes it difficult to hear what the other person is saying. Be aware of this during the conflict and really try to be mindful of what the other person is saying. Remain calm and if you need a moment to take a few breaths, take that moment. Even if you need a 10 minute break to calm yourself down from intense emotions, take that break.
During the discussion, remain respectful toward the other person. By being respectful, you both will allow the other to express their feelings and thoughts openly and be open to hearing yours.
Empathize
Along the same vein of being calm and respectful, try to empathize with what the other person is saying. Try to understand where they are coming from. More often than not you’ll find that there was a misunderstanding or a miscommunication. When you can empathize with someone, it allows you to grow closer to them and it will allow you to better resolve for conflict at hand.
Focus on the Present
During arguments, especially with long time family members, friends, and partners, it can be very tempting to bring up the past or even the future. It can be tempting to point out how they’ve hurt you in a similar way before. Or it can be tempting to ask for some reassurance of the future. However, neither of these are helpful to the current situation. So try to stay focused on the present conflict rather than bringing up either the future or the past. Practicing mindfulness in your daily life can help with this.
Focus on Conflict Resolution
During arguments, it can be easy to fall into the pattern of “one person is right and one person is wrong” or “one person is winning and the other is not”. Conflict is not about who’s right and wrong and it’s important to remember that because this is another perception. Focus on resolving the conflict. When a conflict is resolved, everyone wins. It’s not a matter of being right or wrong and it’s not a matter of one person winning over the other. Resolving a conflict is about getting past an obstacle in your relationship and growing from it. With that focus in mind, conflicts will be resolved more quickly and can bring a relationship closer together.
Seek Compromise and Forgiveness
An important lesson in life is that you can’t always have what you want. You may want the other person to do exactly what you want them to do, but that’s not always going to happen. We need to accept compromises and be okay with it. By following the other steps of resolving conflict, coming to a compromise can be a little bit easier especially if you empathize with the other person. Together, you can creatively find a way to resolve your differences and become more secure in the relationship.
With this in mind, make sure you have the mindset to forgive and forget. If you go into an argument with your heels in the ground unwilling to forgive the other person, then there won’t be a conflict resolution. By being open-minded and ready to forgive and move on, the conflict will end more quickly and in everyone’s favor.
We all fall into patterns when conflict arises and it can be difficult to change the habits that we formed. However, you can always pull up this blog or other articles regarding conflict resolution whenever you feel a conflict arise. Continue to work toward conflict resolution in a respectful and compassionate way. It’s truly amazing how conflict can make people so much closer together and understand each other so much more.