There is a line between perfectionism and striving for greatness, but that line isn’t always clear. In this blog, I will discuss what perfectionism is, how it can affect us personally, and how it can affect our relationships. I’ll also discuss the difference between striving for greatness and perfectionism.
What is Perfectionism
The life of a perfectionist looks like a list of accomplishments or tasks, each with a grade, and a perfectionist expects to get an A+ on every task. Perfectionism is considered a personality trait, but I think it’s also a state of mind. A perfectionist strives to be perfect (go figure), sets extremely high standards for themselves, and may believe that their worth and entitlement to love is based upon their performance.
Perfectionism can rear its head in specific places like school or work. For some, perfectionism can encompass their entire life where a person is striving for flawlessness even in the most minute detail. With perfectionism often comes eating disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, and more.
Many perfectionists experience a fear of failure and that alone is their drive to continue to be perfect. A perfectionist is extremely critical of their own actions, expecting nothing but the best that they have to give, and sometimes that may not be enough. Due to their own critical self-evaluations, they may also expect others to have the same critical evaluations.
How Perfectionism Affects Us
Perfectionism can be extremely toxic and can wreak havoc on our mental health. Having extremely high expectations and extremely critical self-evaluation of all your actions will wear on you. By setting these extremely high and even unrealistic expectations, you could easily be setting yourself up to fail without intentionally meaning to. Without giving yourself the kindness to make mistakes, you’ve put a lot of pressure on yourself. By doing so, you may find that you procrastinate more, you feel a lack of focus, you lack motivation. Perfectionism may even cause anxiety and depression.
Not only that, when you do achieve something great, it’s not rewarded because it was already an expectation for you to achieve it. So there’s little room for reward and a mansion’s worth of space for punishment. There’s an imbalance in this kind of thinking. Because the majority of consequences you’ll end up experiencing will be negative, negative feelings will follow.
Perfectionism can also cause you to lose confidence in yourself. By not achieving the perfectionism that you want, you may feel inferior or worthless. You may feel as though those around you believe you are worthless because you’re not achieving what you expect to. A perfectionist may feel that others will not love them or care for them if they are not perfect. Perfectionism wears us down and greatly reduces our mental wellness.
The Difference Between Perfectionism and Striving for Excellence
Where perfectionism is toxic, striving for excellence is extremely healthy. While striving for excellence, instead of high expectations you have high desires. So a perfectionist will study hard, wear themselves out, and expect to get an A+. A person who is striving for excellence will study hard because they want that A+. Expectation turns into desire when you’re striving for excellence.
When the person striving for excellence gets what they desired and the goal they were working toward, they now have reason to celebrate. They worked hard for this achievement and recognized that. A perfectionist will not recognize the achievement as something to celebrate since they expected that perfect outcome.
Someone who is striving for excellence will be able to accept failure when it comes. Not if it comes, but when. We all fail at some point in our lives. They may feel disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad, and a whirlwind of emotions. However, at the end of the day, they’re able to put the setback behind them and move forward.
Someone who’s striving for perfection will not be able to accept failure. Their world may come crashing down when failure happens. They may shame themselves or guilt themselves and tear themselves apart because, in their heads, they should be better.
How to Move Away from Perfectionism
If you recognize perfectionist tendencies in yourself and you want to be rid of them, you’ve made a great decision! At this point, it’s a good idea to reflect on how perfectionism is affecting you both negatively and positively. The reason you want to look at both is because perfectionism does help you achieve greatness and this may be a quality you’d like to keep. The good news is, there’s a way to keep it without the toxicity of perfection.
Reward and Celebrate
Reward yourself when you achieve a goal. Change your expectations to desires and recognize your accomplishments. Just by changing this particular aspect of perfectionism, you may find that you start experiencing more positive feelings and a stronger desire to do well on tasks and challenge yourself.
Learn From Mistakes
Allow yourself to make mistakes or even fail. For many perfectionists, this is unheard of, but accepting failure and mistakes is extremely important. We’re human and we make mistakes so you might as well accept that you will as well. When you don’t do as well as you would like, check to see what you’re telling yourself. Rather than berating yourself or shaming yourself, tell yourself “I am disappointed, but here’s what I can learn from this mistake, and here’s how I will be better.” This changes the critical self-evaluation to constructive criticism for the future.
You’re Awesome, Accept It.
This last change may be the hardest one. A perfectionist may believe that people in their lives will stop loving them if they don’t perform perfectly. If someone in your life has caused you to strive for perfection, it may be a toxic relationship whether it’s a parent, friend, or significant other.
However, Even if they expect perfection it doesn’t mean you need to as well. Find a way to live for yourself to make sure you are happy. Even those who expect perfection out of you have the best of intentions for you without the best execution.
Reflect on how others act around you and see if you find any evidence that their love for you is connected to how you perform. You may find that the majority of people in your life will support you whether you succeed or fail. Talk to those you love in your life and find out just how much love and support you can receive regardless of how you perform.